Jayson Schivley, LMFT

This is a common experience for couples impacted by addiction.

In my work in addiction treatment, I’ve sat with countless individuals who say some version of the same thing:

“I’m so tired of making promises I can’t keep.”

They’ve told their spouse, their children, or the people closest to them that they’re going to stop—stop drinking, stop using, stop going back to the same place.

And they mean it.

In that moment, there is a real desire to change. A real intention to do something different.

But then, somewhere along the way, they find themselves right back in it.

And each time that happens, something shifts—not just inside of them, but inside of the relationship.

The Weight of Repeated Promises

Over time, those promises begin to lose their meaning.

Not because the person doesn’t care—but because the experience keeps repeating.

From the outside, it can look like a lack of effort or commitment.

But from the inside, it often feels very different.

There is usually a genuine longing to repair the relationship. To get back to how things were, or to create something better than what exists now.

At the same time, addiction has a way of taking hold that makes people feel stuck—almost like being caught between two realities.

One part of them wants the relationship.

Another part keeps pulling them back into the behavior they’re trying to stop.

And living in that tension is exhausting.

The Fear Beneath It

Along with that struggle is fear.

Fear of losing the relationship.  

Fear of being pushed away or no longer trusted.  

Fear of becoming someone they never intended to be.

And underneath all of that is often shame.

Not just about the behavior—but about what it feels like it says about them as a person.

When the Substance Starts to Take Priority

We know that human beings are wired for connection.

Close relationships aren’t just meaningful—they’re essential. They help us feel grounded, safe, and secure.

That’s why disconnection can feel so intense. It doesn’t just feel painful—it can feel almost threatening on a deeper level.

And yet, addiction can override that system.

The substance can begin to feel like the thing that’s needed to cope, to regulate, or even to get through the day.

So even when someone deeply values their relationship, their behavior can look like they’re choosing something else.

That disconnect is incredibly painful—for both people.

The Experience of the Partner

On the other side, the experience is often one of emotional exhaustion.

At first, there’s hope.

“I’ll believe you this time.”

There’s a willingness to give another chance, to trust that things will be different.

But over time, something begins to shift.

It’s not just the bigger moments—the relapse, the broken promise, the night that confirms the fear.

It’s also the smaller moments that add up:

The explanations that don’t quite make sense.  

The things that feel hidden.  

The sense that something isn’t being said.

The lies to cover up the lies.  

The excuses that start to sound familiar.

And eventually, it becomes hard to trust anything at all.

What often takes its place is a painful internal experience:

“I want to believe you… but I don’t.”

The Feeling of Betrayal

This is where the sense of betrayal really takes hold.

It’s not just about what happened—it’s about what it means.

It can feel like the relationship isn’t being protected. Like the connection isn’t being valued in the same way.

And over time, that leads to distance.

Even moments that should feel close can feel uncertain—like going in for a hug and feeling the other person stiffen up.

The Risk on Both Sides

What often goes unseen is how much risk both people are taking.

The person struggling with substance use is being asked to face difficult emotions, work against deeply ingrained patterns, and move toward change—all while feeling like their partner may not fully believe in them.

The partner is being asked to stay open, to consider trusting again, even when their past experience tells them it may lead to more hurt.

In many ways, both people are standing in uncertainty.

Both are trying to protect themselves.  

And both are trying, in their own way, to protect the relationship.

How Trust Actually Gets Rebuilt

One thing I’ve heard over the years that has always stayed with me is this:

Trust is built through honesty and consistency—over time.

You can think of it like a simple equation:

            Honesty + Consistency

Trust =  ————————-

                    Time

It’s not rebuilt through promises.

It’s rebuilt through experience.

Through telling the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable.  

Through showing up consistently in small ways.  

Through allowing enough time for those experiences to start to feel real again.

This is often slow. And at times, it can feel frustrating.

But this is what begins to shift things.

From Betrayal to Connection

I’ve worked with families and couples where trust felt completely broken—and I’ve also seen that trust begin to come back.

Not all at once.

But slowly, through repeated experiences of honesty, vulnerability, and follow-through.

At the same time, the relationship needs space for something deeper.

Not just talking about what happened—but sharing what’s underneath it.

The fear.  

The hurt.  

The insecurity.  

The desire to reconnect.

This is where structured couples therapy can help.

It creates space to slow things down, to understand the pattern, and to begin responding to each other differently.

Over time, couples can move from a place of betrayal and disconnection toward something more stable, more honest, and more connected.

There Is a Way Forward

If you’re in this place, you’re not alone.

And while it may feel stuck right now, this pattern can change.

With the right structure, support, and willingness from both people, trust can begin to rebuild.

If you’re ready to start that process, the next step is to schedule a consultation.